How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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