just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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