I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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