Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
