I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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