Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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