Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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