I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Randomize
