We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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