You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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