But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
