my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
