There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
