i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I had to cum in my sink.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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