It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
