Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
