don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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