Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
