I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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