he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
