So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
