So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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