a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
