Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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