I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
