Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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