so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Randomize
