Soap is not a condiment
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
