i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
