Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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