I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
