I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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