Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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