i permit you to call me
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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