Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
