it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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