If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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