Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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