Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
