So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
