I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
