i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Randomize
