No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
