make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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