I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
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