i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Let's paint friendship bongs
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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