I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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