you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
