my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize