Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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