Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
