every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
