she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
