i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize