she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
