My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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