we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
