WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
