I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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